Smoking pot in the subway

I am riding the train back from yet another day of unpleasant drudgery. You know how, as often as not, the subway smells like decomposing rectum? Well that was my experience for most of my ride,
But just now, not two minutes ago the smell changed to the alluringly ambrosiac aroma of skunky weed. I mean god lord this is a crowded late rush hour train. There are kids around, but this dude across from me and two seats over is casually taking the last hits off a roach. The fellow next to him looks horrified, but I am slightly amused. I wish I still had the cajones to poof a doob in public, but two humiliating, and mysteriously humorous hours in the Guilford county jail cured me of that. Still to the guy smokin' the Chiba across from me I secretly tip my hat to you and say "bravo dude, bravo".

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A review of Greyhound

I recently took Greyhound Bus Lines overnight express service from New York to Boston. My overall impression was unsurprisingly not that positive. Imagine an airplane trip that starts out at an airport located in the basement of a homeless shelter, then when you get onto the plane you notice the seats are 30% narrower than conventional airplane seats, there is half as much legroom, it smells like it has been freshly hosed down with that blue water from airplane toilets. Top it all off with the fact that it is 5 times slower and that doesn't add up to a very nice experience. On the plus side, despite being awash in human detritus, the bus was tolerably clean, arrived early, and the bus station in Boston seemed fairly modern. The verdict, the bus is the 100% worst way to travel. At $30 it is a rip-off, at $15 it I jut barely worth the money. If you have to go to Boston, the bus should be the last resort, even below not going. plus Boston sucks.

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Port Authority

I am taking an intercity (greyhound) bus for the first time in the US. One thing I have noticed is that even though New York City has shaken off most of the negative qualities that plagued it in the 70's and 80's, the Port Authority Bus Terminal is still the third or fourth skeeziest den of iniquity that I have ever been (after the Peep Land, some skanky nudie bar in Greensboro, and my apartment). There are the lowest class of people here. Worst among them are the adults who find sleeping on the floor a dignified way to spend an evening. I am not talking about homeless people here, just trashy human beings who don't believe in maintaining any semblance of their humanity if it means standing up for a half hour. They are the kind of people who shop at Wal-Mart. Fuck them for bringing the level of society down.
I am giving the Port Authority Bus station a new name, the Anus of New York, but even that seems too classy for this place.

Pirates among us

I met a real life pirate the other day. He was delivering food for Kosher Delight to my office and when he was trying to indicate that he wanted me to sign the receipt all he said was arrrrgh. Okay so he wasn't a real pirate, he was just a giant dude with dreadlocks an eye patch and a speech impediment, but I still enjoyed the experience.

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A personal loss

As many of you know I am poverty stricken. I basically live like a hobo, riding the rails nonstop, first to work, then to school, then home. Home is supposed to be a refuge from the terrible monotony of the world, but not for me, because all I have time to do when I get home is some homework assigned by some masochist on a power trip and then straight to bed. But even my bed is an affront to the dignity every man deserves. Why is that? Because I don't have the luxury of a real bed, instead I sleep on an air mattress. All that separates me from sleeping on the ground is a thin layer of plastic surrounding about 12 inches of air. That is until last night, last night something broke inside my bed and it turned into a football shaped torture device. Then today I managed with the help of my family to arrange a replacement, and when I got home around 11 and went about inflating my new bed I got a pleasant surprise, this new mattress is at least 6 inches thinner than the previous dignity robbing mattress. Fuck. I can't even go to sleep in a room by myself without being emasculated and demoralized. Do you know how fucking unmotivating it is waking up eye to eye with your shoes? This is as good as things are going to get. It does not motivate me to continue.

A little practice

I am taking a Business computing class as part of my torture, I mean college. In that class we have to learn how to make Powerpoint presentations. I was fooling around today and made this little first attempt, I thought it was funny so I am putting it out there.

An Interview

I posted the other day about a blog entry I was working on that would be truly monumental in nature. In that post I made some pretty bold statements about how earth shattering the next post was going to be. One of those claims was that it was going to bring freedom to North Korea. I have since learned that internet access is extremely limited in the Hermit Kingdom (a nickname for North Korea) so this probably won't actually bring about any sort of reform in that country. I did however mention North Korea on purpose, even though there are many countries that need to gain a little more freedom, because it will be the main subject of this wildly ambitious post. So without further Adieu here is my interview with the Eternal President of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea Mr. Kim Il-Sung.

CaptianMicahP: Mr. Eternal President thank you for talking with me.

Kim Il-Sung: Your welcome, I love your blog and read it religiously.

CMP: That is nice of you to say, I must admit I am also a big fan of my blog.

KIS: Well you have a right to be very proud, it is extremely well written.

CMP: One of my secrets is that I proof read each post before I publish it.

KIS: It really Shows.

CMP: Let's get straight to the questions shall we?

KIS: Great idea, though I am not sure you should have put a question mark at the end of your last statement.

CMP: Listen pal you may still be the head of state of a country 13 years after you died, but I have final editorial control over all punctuation on this website.

KIS: You're right, sorry.

CMP: That brings up an important question, didn't you die a decade and a half ago?

KIS: That is true, but as Eternal President of North Korea I like to make myself available to the press from time to time.

CMP: But how are you, as a dead person able to give interviews?

KIS: I understand there is a saying in English, that those who are ignorant of the past are doomed to repeat it, therefore if I acknowledge my demise, I can't actually die, at least not again.

CMP: That is some really interesting logic, no wonder you have been the head of state over there since 1948.

KIS: hey, I do what I can.

CMP: Your country has been in the news lately because your son, who has been shepherding the regime since you died in 1994, is making himself a nuisance for the world community. How Satisfied have you been with his rule so far.

KIS: Just like any father I couldn't be more proud of the little scamp. Did you know he made a movie about a monster that needed to eat metal to survive, plus he is an excellent golfer and shots an average of 3 hole in ones every time he plays.

CMP: Wow those are pretty big accomplishments, but what about his policies?

KIS: He does a great job, I just wish he wasn't such a bleeding heart when it came to political opponents. Did you know that he only executes the families of the people who disagree with him, when I was a little more active in the day to day running of the county we would destroy entire villages. But you know kids these days have their own namby-pamby ideas.

CMP: (chuckling) That's true.

KIS: I really like his stand on nuclear weapons though.

CMP: why is that?

KIS: well if you compare Jongy's (That is my pet name for him) stance against that of the Iranian's, Jongy says straight up he wants to build a nuke, but the Iranian's keep claiming they only want nuclear energy, and don't really care if they accidentally end up with a couple of H-Bombs as a by product, but even I don't believe that, and I'm dead.

CMP: True sometimes honesty is the best policy.

KIS: Hey, don't get carried away.

CMP: How about the state of the North Korean economy, it is basically non-existent, and there are constant famines, when you take that into consideration are you still as supportive?

KIS: Oh abso-friggin-lutely. One of my many accomplishments was that I invented a word, JUCHE it means self-reliance. My son has done so well for himself that he owns 2 Ipods. That is twice as many as a person actually needs, if more of my countrymen (and ladies) had a little more Juche they would all be millionaires.

CMP: That is really true, you are one of the most capitalistic Communists I have ever spoken with.

KIS: That is why they gave me the title of Eternal president, and not just some lame title like president for life.

CMP: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

KIS: I will still be Eternal President, and on top of that I plan on continuing being dead.

CMP: Nothing else?

KIS: I really want to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, I might do that in the next couple of years. I have been practicing saying "Show me your tits" in english.

CMP: Yeah I went once, it was pretty fun, and you will definitely see some boobies.

KIS: That is what I like to hear, plus I have been thinking about getting into Jazzercise, I hear that is a pretty fun way to exercise, but since I already died, I don't have to worry too much about my health.

CMP: That's true, but I think the only people who do Jazzercise are fat middle age chicks.

KIS: I like my ladies with a little junk in the trunk, plus since I am a 94 year old dead man I am no longer very choosy about the women I doink.

CMP: What other things do you enjoy?

KIS: I like playing beer pong, and eating tacos.

CMP: Dude tacos are good.

KIS: I know, but Gorditas are even better. I have been trying to get Taco Bell to open a store in Pyongyang, but those guys are dicks, and are only willing to open a combo Pizza Hut Express/Taco Bell, so I told them go shove a Rancho Steak Burrito, and a Pepperoni Personal Pan pizza up there butt.

CMP: Wow, I feel like I am really learning a lot about you today.

KIS: I am always glad to let people learn a little more about the private Il-Sung, but listen I have to get back to the mausoleum before anyone notices I put two pillows and a coconut under a blanket while I snuck out to talk with you.

CMP: That was a good Idea.

KIS: Yeah I really liked Ferris Beullers Day Off. It was my inspiration.

CMP: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, my readers will really appreciate it.

KIS: Take it sleazy.


Closing Thoughts:
I learned a lot of surprising things about Mr. Kim from talking with him, He is a brutal lunatic former dictator, but underneath it, he is really just a dude who likes to party. I think if he could choose between being the Eternal President of North Korea or the Eternal President of a fraternity, he would choose the fraternity. And in the end isn't that the choice everyone would make.

I will be coming back shortly

I know I have taken some time off, but I have a very big surprise for everybody. In the next day or so I will have another blogging event that will shake the world of blogs to there very foundation, and probably change the way you interact with the world, Democrats will become republicans and republicans will become democrats, the Pope will become Muslim, North Korea will be freed, people in Boston will root for the Yankees, New Yorkers will wear colorful clothes, Winter will be hot, and summer will be cold, middle easterners will treat women with respect,and the French wont be universally snooty. It is going to be that big a break through in world thought. Much like Blogmageddon did to ring in the new year, there is another blockbuster coming. so keep an eye out either Friday afternoon or Saturday night. Your world will be rocked. This is not meaningless boasting, but in fact a humble attempt to get across the point in terms that are far too subtle about how amazing this thing which I am not quite ready to reveal to you will be.