An Interview

I posted the other day about a blog entry I was working on that would be truly monumental in nature. In that post I made some pretty bold statements about how earth shattering the next post was going to be. One of those claims was that it was going to bring freedom to North Korea. I have since learned that internet access is extremely limited in the Hermit Kingdom (a nickname for North Korea) so this probably won't actually bring about any sort of reform in that country. I did however mention North Korea on purpose, even though there are many countries that need to gain a little more freedom, because it will be the main subject of this wildly ambitious post. So without further Adieu here is my interview with the Eternal President of The Democratic People's Republic of Korea Mr. Kim Il-Sung.

CaptianMicahP: Mr. Eternal President thank you for talking with me.

Kim Il-Sung: Your welcome, I love your blog and read it religiously.

CMP: That is nice of you to say, I must admit I am also a big fan of my blog.

KIS: Well you have a right to be very proud, it is extremely well written.

CMP: One of my secrets is that I proof read each post before I publish it.

KIS: It really Shows.

CMP: Let's get straight to the questions shall we?

KIS: Great idea, though I am not sure you should have put a question mark at the end of your last statement.

CMP: Listen pal you may still be the head of state of a country 13 years after you died, but I have final editorial control over all punctuation on this website.

KIS: You're right, sorry.

CMP: That brings up an important question, didn't you die a decade and a half ago?

KIS: That is true, but as Eternal President of North Korea I like to make myself available to the press from time to time.

CMP: But how are you, as a dead person able to give interviews?

KIS: I understand there is a saying in English, that those who are ignorant of the past are doomed to repeat it, therefore if I acknowledge my demise, I can't actually die, at least not again.

CMP: That is some really interesting logic, no wonder you have been the head of state over there since 1948.

KIS: hey, I do what I can.

CMP: Your country has been in the news lately because your son, who has been shepherding the regime since you died in 1994, is making himself a nuisance for the world community. How Satisfied have you been with his rule so far.

KIS: Just like any father I couldn't be more proud of the little scamp. Did you know he made a movie about a monster that needed to eat metal to survive, plus he is an excellent golfer and shots an average of 3 hole in ones every time he plays.

CMP: Wow those are pretty big accomplishments, but what about his policies?

KIS: He does a great job, I just wish he wasn't such a bleeding heart when it came to political opponents. Did you know that he only executes the families of the people who disagree with him, when I was a little more active in the day to day running of the county we would destroy entire villages. But you know kids these days have their own namby-pamby ideas.

CMP: (chuckling) That's true.

KIS: I really like his stand on nuclear weapons though.

CMP: why is that?

KIS: well if you compare Jongy's (That is my pet name for him) stance against that of the Iranian's, Jongy says straight up he wants to build a nuke, but the Iranian's keep claiming they only want nuclear energy, and don't really care if they accidentally end up with a couple of H-Bombs as a by product, but even I don't believe that, and I'm dead.

CMP: True sometimes honesty is the best policy.

KIS: Hey, don't get carried away.

CMP: How about the state of the North Korean economy, it is basically non-existent, and there are constant famines, when you take that into consideration are you still as supportive?

KIS: Oh abso-friggin-lutely. One of my many accomplishments was that I invented a word, JUCHE it means self-reliance. My son has done so well for himself that he owns 2 Ipods. That is twice as many as a person actually needs, if more of my countrymen (and ladies) had a little more Juche they would all be millionaires.

CMP: That is really true, you are one of the most capitalistic Communists I have ever spoken with.

KIS: That is why they gave me the title of Eternal president, and not just some lame title like president for life.

CMP: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

KIS: I will still be Eternal President, and on top of that I plan on continuing being dead.

CMP: Nothing else?

KIS: I really want to go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, I might do that in the next couple of years. I have been practicing saying "Show me your tits" in english.

CMP: Yeah I went once, it was pretty fun, and you will definitely see some boobies.

KIS: That is what I like to hear, plus I have been thinking about getting into Jazzercise, I hear that is a pretty fun way to exercise, but since I already died, I don't have to worry too much about my health.

CMP: That's true, but I think the only people who do Jazzercise are fat middle age chicks.

KIS: I like my ladies with a little junk in the trunk, plus since I am a 94 year old dead man I am no longer very choosy about the women I doink.

CMP: What other things do you enjoy?

KIS: I like playing beer pong, and eating tacos.

CMP: Dude tacos are good.

KIS: I know, but Gorditas are even better. I have been trying to get Taco Bell to open a store in Pyongyang, but those guys are dicks, and are only willing to open a combo Pizza Hut Express/Taco Bell, so I told them go shove a Rancho Steak Burrito, and a Pepperoni Personal Pan pizza up there butt.

CMP: Wow, I feel like I am really learning a lot about you today.

KIS: I am always glad to let people learn a little more about the private Il-Sung, but listen I have to get back to the mausoleum before anyone notices I put two pillows and a coconut under a blanket while I snuck out to talk with you.

CMP: That was a good Idea.

KIS: Yeah I really liked Ferris Beullers Day Off. It was my inspiration.

CMP: Thanks for taking the time to speak with me, my readers will really appreciate it.

KIS: Take it sleazy.


Closing Thoughts:
I learned a lot of surprising things about Mr. Kim from talking with him, He is a brutal lunatic former dictator, but underneath it, he is really just a dude who likes to party. I think if he could choose between being the Eternal President of North Korea or the Eternal President of a fraternity, he would choose the fraternity. And in the end isn't that the choice everyone would make.